god, i think i'm pissed as hell at you

i just had a pretty long conversation with jonathan about christianity.

a friend of mine once said that when i first arrived in melbourne, i was one of the most dedicated, live, walk, talk christian she had ever met..

what happened?

well, alot.

jonathan was asking me heaps and heaps of stuff and i was answering him..

but just to get some things clear, because i dont really understand some parts of my non-belief myself.

i dont call myself a christian.. doesnt mean i dont believe that there's a god, and that i dont believe in some of the teachings.

i left because of a thousand and one reasons, what i tell people is only part of it all.

i didnt leave because of sex.

i am not staying away from it because of sex.

i cant explain completely how i fell out of it..

its just like sometimes how people cant explain why they fall out of love when both parties are doing all the right things.. sometimes, shit happens.

yes, i wont be able to put a reason about why i dont believe, but i would have made a shit believer anyway if it only took one reason for me to fall out of something i was in for .. over a decade.

yeah, i think i am pretty damn unfair to have one of the reasons to be that i think churches are hypocritical because 'we are only human' and i would understand that if those people didnt have to be all self righteous about it.

it just makes me think, "self righteous ass hole!"

i believe there is a god.. but i dont understand how he can let children get hurt. how can he let all those innocent school children die in that earth quake? how can he just let over 1200 people die just like that?

how about the tsunami? how can he, how dare he take away people's loved ones just like that?

how screwed up is it to be a beacon of light to people when you've just taken away their loved one?

their husband.

their children.

their friends.

their families.

their lives.

i dont understand how he can just sit there, and get upset about people doing corrupt things. how can he let that ass hole Josef Fritzel lock his daughter up for over twenty years and let him rape her over and over and over again, how can he let that man do all that fucked up shit to his daughter.

why does he let these kind of people live?

why does he even give them the opportunity to hire a good lawyer and sometimes even walk free after a couple of years in jail.

a couple of years in jail as punishment after pleading false insanity is bullshit.

a couple of years for a man who killed without remorse (with good acting skills) is not enough.

a couple of years for someone who raped and tortured and scared someone for life is just a bloody slap on the wrist.

maybe i stopped believing because i think god can be such an unfair bastard for letting things like these happen.

is he using disasters to give christians an opportunity to shine in the face of darkness?

because that's pretty damn fucked.

just like how i think its pretty damn fucked up that in children church, pastors 'scare' children into accepting.

heaven. hell.

most of the time i think its some kind of scare tactic.

kind of like how in olden days people say that if boys wank, they'll go blind.

maybe i think god's hypocritical.

why do i believe that there's a god when i think he's such a horrible person?

maybe because sometimes i see christians actually reaching out because they, honest to god, believe it and are not doing it because its some kind of protocol.

maybe because i see a rainbow in the rain and believe that there's gotta be hope. there's gotta be something out there that cares about us enough to show us that there is a silver lining.

maybe because i really want to believe that there's got to be a higher power taking care of us all..

then why isnt he doing enough?

why cant he do more?

even for the people who go on their knees, pray.

must he hold back on blessings so that we would need him?

that we would pray and beseech him.

i dont believe in blindly believing in something that i have doubts about.

i dont believe in calling myself a christian when i know i'm gonna be hypocritical about it.

how can i go out and preach about saving yourself for marriage when i dont do that.

(i do, however, believe that premaritial sex should be avoided unless completely sure that the person is the right one.. i know because i didnt wait and its something i hate but cant change)

god, i'm angry at you.

i know you're there somewhere.. and if you're listening to me.. reading to me.. hearing my thoughts.. please do something for those who need you most.. please give hope to those who've lost loved ones because you didnt stop it. please dont put people through all that just so that you can be the light, the way.

i'm so pissed at you and yet i'm asking you for help.

is that how things are supposed to be?

because i cant sit in church putting in 20% of my income to help the people in need (not when i can do that outside. not in the name of the church. i dont need to bring glory to the church.) and just pray for them without really understanding. only shedding tears to add to effect.

i cant.

i may be a shitty daughter, girlfriend, person sometimes..

but i cant do that.

even that is beyond me

xoxo
you know you love me

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